Tweego

I am reading through Bombay Times, a supplement of Times of India that features the latest Page-3 parties, gossips on Bollywood Celebs, et al and have reached ‘Page 3’ when Tweego ‘strolls’ in, jumps onto the bed, sits next to me, looks at me (read – rather gives me that ‘impress me’ look) and wags his tail (phew! That took care of that look!). That’s the perfect start to his morning.

At times I want to call him ‘mojojo.’ Pronunciation ( mo…jojojo. Stress on mo and then jojojo in a single breath)

So where were we.. he’s wagging his tail; and I get back to reading Page 3; not that it interests me.. but since I am on it (not at a Page 3 party but on that page) lets read this too.
I consider these Page 3 gigs a One act play:
Lady 1 meets Lady 2:
Oh dar…hh..ling, how are you? Muah, muah.. half hearted hug… oh! You’re looking so pretty./? (was that a question?) Where did you get this dress from? (will she ever go there?)
Where have you been all this while? (you were better there)

Lady 2: Oh..I’ve been here.. there..blah blah (Lady 1 doesn’t care, but that’s the best way to kill time)

So all these ladies are doing the same gig, it’s like several One Act Plays enacted spontaneously. Then they get drunk, they dance, and.. . (Kids read this blog too; cautionary measure taken)

How would it be if Tweego was in one of these parties? I am sure he’s learnt a lot of nautanki’s from me in all these dog-years.

Tweego giving this Look !

I look at him and ask him through my 6th sense; I wonder which ‘th sense he uses, he receives my transmitted signal and reciprocates with a look similar to this.

© Amit Chaudhary

Thank Shakespeare, Acknowledgments and Gratitude are always at the end of the Book.

Imagine reading a ridiculous book, and you have already thanked the authors wife, boss, dog, fishes, kids, et al for having put you through so much of pain.

Force India Formula One Team

Some mornings I wake up and have trouble finding myself. Vaibhav, Vaibhav, I shout, as I go from one corner of the house to another. No Success. Then I go through the day feeling disjointed, and when I finally do find myself, its when I wasn’t looking.

a trash-covered creek in Manila, Philippines, where slums often adjoin rubbish dumps. The country's poorest sift through the garbage to find discarded objects they can sell on or re-use, or even scraps of food to eat.

How long until we realize that we are sitting on a chair with a bamboo growing under our @ss and when it’s time to move out, it’s too late ‘coz you are freaking stuck to the chair and the bamboo continues to grow, unperturbed about what it’s going to touch. It will continue to grow with a lot of force: Like it fu*&ing has a brain.

But, we do.

So what are you doing, as an individual to combat climate change, fight Global Warming and prevent it’s ill-affects? Celebrate another “world environment day” until the bamboo … do I need to mention !

There’s a small story I want to tell you.. the wash room at my work place has a paper-napkin vending machine. You don’t need to drop in a coin to get paper… but just pull it out, wipe your hands and throw it in the bin. Why can’t these guys, bloody carry a handkerchief? I didn’t care to ask them. I dont’ want to educate, “educated” people. Nature help these “educated” people; I don’t think it cares. It must be happy that it will get rid of us.

Now getting back to the Great Bamboo Story, if it begins to hurt.. .. dude… I will move the chair.

An employee works inside the Caivano dump, near Naples, southern Italy, where rubbish is turned into bales. Neapolitans took the law into their own hands after the city ran out of space to dump rubbish

A huge mound of waste at a dump in New Orleans, a year after Hurricane Katrina struck

Carrier bags from the British supermarket chain Tesco contribute to pollution in the Shunde district of Guangdong, China. Italian, Dutch and British waste is recycled in the area, but as many as 3bn plastic bags are used in China every day

Computer parts lie on the ground at a dump in Accra, Ghana. Thousands of discarded computers from western Europe and the US arrive in the ports of west Africa every day, ending up in massive toxic dumps where children burn and pull them apart to extract metals for cash.

A cow feeds on plastic bags and other garbage along a stream in New Delhi, India

Farm waste and used pesticide containers pile up in a natural water reserve, which has become an illegal dump,according to environmental group Ecologistas en Accion, in El Ejido, south-east Spain

Birds on a tree among plastic materials in Changzhi, Shanxi province

Sheep feed off rubbish left on one of Albania's biggest beach resorts of Durres

In this photo released by National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, marine debris has been washed ashore on Laysan Island in the Hawaiian Islands

Picture source: guardian.co.uk © Guardian News and Media Limited 2009

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Vik:
hehehe!! why? why?
tell you what, kill Vaibhav!!!
he has already accumulated all his obituaries !!

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vikram:
naaah, killin a man who wants to die is useless, then ur simply helpin him out..

i wont do that..
i will give him all the reasons to live, i m a contrast in itself..

Oye…
ki gal hai?

anyways.. i am doing good… either i’ll dump the job or the job will

i need a favor from u.. (i hope u don’t say that it’s yet another one!!)

One fine day , u get a call .. and this guy excitedly says that Vaibhav is dead.. . he kicked the bucket.. what a rocking guy he was ..
this caller is really excited about the news and also about mentioning how he felt and thought about Vaibhav (i.e., me.. !! )

so.. . if you were supposed to break this news to someone, has to be a common friend.. how and what would it be..
apart from "Vaibhav is a rocking guy "

Terms and conditions:
NO sentimental and emotional stuff.. .please… this will spoil the fun..
a little creativity and humour will be perfect..
it can be a pat on the back or pure criticism.. no problems… as long as you gonna meet me soon in case u send me the latter..

thats about it…
no further questions…
expecting your mail..bloody soon !!

A few of my friends called immediately, rather crossed, they asked me "dude, whats wrong with you?". I told them that this is just a joke, and to stop wasting time and mail me what I’ve asked for. None of them did, but a few who didn’t call replied.

vaibhav was too sweet………………………………..
the world swallowed him…………………………………………
- Anish Sanghai

You know, Vaibhav mar gaya
acha hua jo woh pakao mar gaya
- Chetan Oswal

Damn !!! Another Funeral….
What do i wear to this funeral???
Oh gosh! I gotta buy some new clothes for this one…
So pls people suggest me from where shud i buy the clothes and wat shud i wear.
Awaiting ur reply
Yours Fashionable
- Siddheshwar Mahajan

dude, I am sorry to disappoint you but this will take time, i loved the idea, but you will get ur reply is sometime, please co operate.
- Vikramjeet Singh Gambhir

hello, arre tune sunaa kya, … apna nautanki dost, khud hi khud tapakgayaa….
saaala ab ye maalum karna mushkil padgaya he, ki woh sach me tapka he ya ab bhi nautanki kar raha he…
bas ek bar ye khabar paki hojaaye……..
- Deepak Shir

oyeee!!!

Did u know the news???
Vavav has left us!…. im serious!!! tht no good joker decided to let go of all of us so soon!!!
F@$&*r!!! once i’m dead i’ll get him for leaving us!
I can’t go on his funeral!!!! i really can’t see him dead!!! unfortunately that ass looks good only when he is smiling!
Damn!!! In a way he is lucky… he has done what he wanted to do in life!
He shoudn’t have died man!!!
i told him so many times not to doze off on the frying pan while cooking!!! he comes home late night and starts cooking! we all know he cant survive till that late! he has to sleep!
No! but he had to get hungry!
He had to cook !!! and the unavoidable happened! he was such an ass!!!! i’ll miss that bugger!
- Vinay Sudhindran

All those who replied, thank you.
All those who haven’t replied or haven’t received the mail but want to say a word, this is your 15 seconds to fame on my blog (i hope that impresses you ) ), can leave it as a comment.

Happy Environment Day

Rumor has it that PETA is filing a case against Vodafone for the exploitation of the pug in their recent TVC’s. [watch it]

Tweego has been complaining ever since he saw those ads. He has stopped running, playing “dog-foot-ball” with me and has started a campaign, “no barking day” on Sundays as he believes that his campaign will be noticed too and will get it’s due participation from various ‘dog owners‘ because he participated with enthusiasm on “No honking day” and “Mumbai-unplugged“. He fails to realize that even he is affected by these forms of pollution, but my words always fall on deaf ears!

Tweego is a stubborn dog and he has stopped wagging his tail. He no longer watches television or listens to the radio. That Vodafone ad and the jingle is always played on these two mediums and because of this sad plight we’ve been forced to join in. If we don’t then he sits in a corner and stares at us. Whenever I look at him, his eyes acts like a projector, continuously beaming that ad.

He can’t imagine how a dog could run with a sock in his mouth. The first time he saw it, he ran to the loo and jumped into the bath tub and demanded a bath, a bubbles bath.

Then, the dog running behind a bus! Damn the bus is too big for his size! Why is that pug running behind that bus with a tie in its mouth! Couldn’t he find a bone?
It later clicked me that they must have made that pug run a zillion times due to re-takes. I didn’t mention that because I can’t imagine what he could have done. Probably would have paid you a visit!

It’s sad seeing him like this. He’s too quiet to be a dog.

And because of this, I humbly request, please, please take the necessary permissions from Tweego the next time you make such ads. Don’t take permissions from a Man or any organization; he/they won’t understand the emotions of a dog. Tweego does, ask him. Otherwise, you’ll, probably witness the Dog form of ‘satyagraha‘ and ‘every day, a new campaign‘.

I sincerely hope that you will take the necessary steps to sort this issue out,

or else ….

There is something in that look of his when he relieves himself. It’s a question he’s asking me. And each day he ventures into a new area.
On certain days it’s at the municipal plantations on roads, other days it’s on a heap of litter, sometimes the “nalla” (drain). It was today that I deciphered this dog language.

He chose the side of a wall, splattered with spit. Spit of paan (beetle leaf) and paan masala (chewable tobacco).
But today was different. Instead of one question, he had two!
I read the first,
“What’s taking you so long?”
But the second shook me off my feet.
“I am a dog, what’s your excuse?”

Have been wanting to write on Mr. Reshmiya for quite sometime. (Not at all eager to no if I haive splet it correktli)

Apparently not on him or his genre of music but on his style of singing.

There’s an earnest request, from henceforth, i.e, only for this post, try reading through your nose. It’s not much of an effort. If he and his ‘ardent listeners’ can do it so can you.
Give it a try. Yeah! Thats the spirit.

Now lets get to the point. (Hey, your nose! ) Ever noticed that the music being played on the radio, idiot box, your ‘bajuwalas‘, friends and foes have suddenly taken a liking for his songs. Lately, I have been beleaguered by his songs and people singing them. Even the saloon that I went to the other day was playing his music. The most mystifying and absurd incident which happened was that these people were singing through their nose.
Out of sheer curiosity I made the effort to listen to what they were actually trying to do. Was it a new unheard language which comprised of belching and ‘pain stricken cries’? No, no, no! It was Mr Reshmiya and his ‘ardent listeners’ nose singing.

Imagine if Mr Reshmiya were to sing ‘bhajans‘ or ‘ghazals‘! What will happen to granny, mummy, ‘bazu ki aunti‘….*$¥k, s@&#, lets do this later! Quit imagining!

All we can hope, sincerely hope, that his influence does not reach such depths. His ‘nosing‘ can help patients desperately wanting to throw up!